I’ve been experiencing many dramatic changes in self lately. Opening myself up to experiences and people, trying to keep my guard down while simultaneously letting new ideas and beings into my life – both adventurous and safe? Venturing out of my comfort zone, while remaining close enough to the wall that I can still jump back over if need be. Though this won’t necessarily bring me into a true experience of my self, I’m taking it one day at a time, one moment and encounter at a time, until I can push off that wall and not even think of looking back.
Surrounding myself with those that are honest, open, and sure of the potential in me; sure of the potential in themselves, which shows me that I, too, can accomplish whatever I wish to. Taking care of myself, body and soul, and cleansing myself of the past so that I may be receptive to new loves. Allowing myself to be both choosy and forgiving, which requires a precarious balance of setting my ego free while knowing what I deserve and not being willing to settle for anything less.
Recently, I’ve been courted by a very sweet gentleman. Nice person, lots of fun, makes me laugh. I opened myself up to that experience of being wholeheartedly appreciated by someone, and it is truly wonderful. However, I woke up this morning with a sense of something wrong…and sipping my (no-longer-daily) coffee, I came to the following realization: I need to be myself, completely myself, and find out who that self is, before I jump into any kind of relationship. No matter how wonderful the other person is, how willing they are to show me how wonderful I am. Being that he’s a superb individual, I’m sure that he will be receptive to that thought.
Is this maturity? In the past I would have simply enjoyed the attention and then cut it off when I was no longer “feeling it.” Was that immaturity or cruelty? Is this new mentality maturity or kindness?
This new open-mindedness is dizzying, uplifting, confusing. More to follow.
-E
Write Then & There 