Transitions II

Is this your twenties? Uncertainty lies in every direction while each day lasts a week, and each week lasts a minute.
Is it Thursday already? Days pass filled with french presses and side projects for friends while you write songs about banana peels and laugh as you catch up with across-the-country old memories.

Is it spring? As you walk outside, the sunlight deceives you, warming your skin through the window until you feel as though you’ll catch fire, but icy wind steals your breath and doesn’t give it back. Even when you ask nicely.
Is this really your twenties?
The whirlwind they said it would be, but nothing like you were expecting.

In this age of social media, it’s so easy to look at the happy smiling photos and events and accomplishments that are consistently posted while you scramble through your archives to find your own smile – it fell off your face a couple of months ago, you left it in that corner. It’s gathered a slight layer of dust, but grab a cloth and shake it off. There, good as new.

Three years in, seven more to go, each year radically different than the last, and this one may not be the best one…you thought it would be, but you were expecting that different whirlwind.

Life is pretty weird, huh? Each month passes and brings a new trial and somehow you get past it because you have no other choice. Writer’s block hits but power through, they say, tomorrow is a new day, they say, and you’ll be great, I can just feel it. That’s what they say. You want to believe them. Sometimes you do, but not on rainy days.

It will work out. Your best friend believes in a society that does not need money, that trades goods and services. Brilliant idea, you think, and then you wonder what service you could trade if you lived in that fantasy. Your mind is blank, echoing that writer’s block. (Or is it writers’ block?)

An acquaintance tells you he’s been waiting for that brightness, that artistic spark and that you had it the other day when you wrote about solitude. You wonder how you felt when you wrote it, and the memory surfaces: oddly at peace in the middle of what should have been anxiety and fear, it floated off gently and was forgotten for 3 hours while your eyes unfocused as you listened to the sounds of the water in front of you mixing with the city’s voice in the background.

Is this your twenties?
Your room feels chaotic and you feel as though you could breathe easier if you could just organize it but somehow it never happens, and the cat breaks a vase and you get irrationally angry.

Sudden laughter breaks your self pity as you remember a joke you heard the other day and suddenly anxiety washes over you because you can’t remember the punch line and it feels as though nothing, really, has a punchline anymore.

The other day, you blinked and hours passed and you blinked and it was night time, and you wanted to cry but couldn’t think of a reason why you should, so you didn’t but you should have.
A friend casually complains about her day and you want to shake her and tell her she has everything, everything! Family and friends, a beautiful relationship, a healthy body…wait a minute.

Is this your twenties?

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