Crime and Street Sweeping: A Brief Memoir

A story of a true delinquent

Today is street sweeping day on my beautiful city block of Chicago, and this side of the road is closed off until 2 pm. Well it’s 1:39 and it is my ultimate pleasure to inform you that I’m parking here, on this illegal side of the road, because this space is absolutely perfect.

Hazard lights on, of course. And I’m staying in the car.
Still a badass though.

The following is the detailed notation of my badassery. I am not responsible for any consequential reckless behavior in my readers. You have been warned.

[1:41.] No sign of enforcers.

[1:44.] An acorn just fell on my car. Are the trees spying for the government? Is this what they meant by photo enforced?!

[1:45.] Starting to sweat. Being a criminal isn’t as easy as it looks.

[1:46.] Not a single street-sweeping enforcer in sight. The streets are silent but for occasional bicyclists and dog walkers. Gotta stay alert though. This may be a trick, designed to catch me off guard.

[1:47.] I’ve inspired another criminal to join the prohibited parking ranks. It’s me and you, buddy. If we’re going down, we’re going down together! Though he’s the slowest parker I’ve ever seen…

[1:48.] The guy is just sitting there. Copy cat. I wonder if he’ll leave his car…wait. The door is opening! He’s stepping out and walking away…no, false alarm. Everyone calm down, he’s just re-parking. Jesus, guy! Stop being such a perfectionist! We’re going for anarchy here! RED! THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN! SING WITH ME!

[1:50.] He left his car again…and re-parking. Again. I mean, come on, your car-to-curb alignment is superb enough as it is. I can’t imagine he lets anyone wash his dishes. Probably redoes those, too. 50 times. Well, might as well do it yourself if other people can’t perfect it.

[1:50.] Cracked a window open to conserve energy and save the planet, but unfortunately the car is still at the boiling level. A/C time.

[1:50.] Almost there, 10 minutes left. You know what…I should leave my car! That’ll teach em. (Well, I’m a law breaker, not reckless…)

[1:51.] Phone is at 1%. Crap. A delinquent needs to be entertained, or who knows what havoc I’ll wreak.


[1:52.] Guess who’s re-parking?

[1:53.] Suspecting every passersby. Keep moving, old man on a dirt bike. You too, lady with two poodles. I’m watching you, can’t fool me. You wanna go? Yeah?! You don’t want to mess with me man, I’m ON THE EDGE.

[1:53.] A couple of thug-looking dudes park on the acceptable side of the street. They’re driving a BMW with the license plate, “GLITTER.” Who’s the REAL badass of the two of us? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Get on my level.

[1:55.] They just crunched into the car behind them, despite having plenty of space to maneuver. Must’ve been intimidated by my deviant self.

[1:55.] Maybe they think I’M the ticketer. This is very exciting! Thrilling, even.

[1:55.] What a rush.

[1:56.] Cop just drove by and I had a heart attack. Maybe the hard life isn’t for me…

[1:56.] The aforementioned thugs are actually hipsters who live across the street. Casually strolling while smoking a j as they walk home.

[1:57.] Re-parker Guy is still in his car, too. I think he’s playing it safe. WIMP. Washing his windows. Maybe one last re-parking job, for old times sake?

[1:58.] Phone has been in airplane mode and has remained at 1% for about 20 minutes now. Way to go, Apple.

[1:59.] Alright. Gathering my things. See you on the flip-side.

[2:02.] Mischief managed.

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