Be Still, My Heart

I remember when you were my brother
my possible lover
and today I’m thinking of you when
I haven’t considered you in months
one word, one sentence
crushing a friendship like an unavoidable
spite-filled ton of bricks.
I think I thought of you because I heard a song
we listened to it over and over and harmonized
I told your eyes to calm down when they looked at me
and you responded that leashing yourself never worked out well.
you leaned in for a quick kiss
I leaned back slightly, enough for my body to tell you that
I wasn’t ready
I probably wouldn’t ever be ready
and you took it as ultimate rejection.
all I wanted was a brother
whose sparkle in his eyes matched mine unequivocally
it was as though we were born with a mirrored birthmark
a desire to learn more and more about the world until
we were so filled up that the knowledge
spilled through your fingers onto the piano keys
and from mine onto paper.
I watched you play, once, twice,
you transformed as you stroked the keys,
eyes closed, slightly swaying,
I thought you were the most beautiful human and I thought
maybe I *should* kiss him, entertaining the thought of crossing previously unspeakable lines
can’t cross back over once you slide across
and fear pulled me back and
kept me in a headlock.
what if I had kissed you as you played your sunlit sonata?
what if our hugs and cuddles transformed into the sexual dance that
lurked beneath the surface, quieted and ignored?
what if you had been my first? my first love(r), and the most passionate, yes you would have been
and it would have inevitably ended, passionately.
with a fire, with a burn, leaving scars and the end of our friendship.
so perhaps I made the right decision, letting my fears restrain the impulse,
but leaning back from you as you opened your heart…
yes, we were doomed from the beginning.
regardless-
I miss you.
We were too bright, love.