i feel both
listless and frozen
anxious and apathetic
enthused and bored
morose and ecstatic
introspective and selfish
selfless and needy
negative and hopeful
hopeless and motivated
unconcerned and worried
free and caged
loved and ignored
cherished and neglected
afraid and triumphant
trumpeting and meek
vivacious and cowed
demure and fierce.
why do you have to go?
sit, stay a while,
i only just realized that i have
so many things to tell you
just wait, please, i want to hear your stories
tell me one more time about your first love
i want to ask your advice about him
i want to cry with you
and laugh at your sarcastic wit
i miss your soup, you had the best soup
i wrote down your recipe once but now
i can’t find it
i need you to tell it to me again, please, wait
don’t go yet, im not ready.
the other day i passed someone,
a beautiful older woman, her skirt was gently waving in the lakeshore breeze and I thought, “you would wear that.”
she was walking alone, and i thought
how many times did you walk alone?
were you lonely?
did you miss us?
why didn’t i call you more?
why didn’t i visit you more?
the rabbi who officiated at your funeral tried to joke,
tried to say that he’d get us all out of there in time for us to prepare the Sabbath meal.
never had i hated someone more.
yes, stay everyone, stay until your feet are
stay until your
foreheads crease with worry that you won’t make it home in time for sunset
stay. stay because she should’ve stayed.
stay because your pain was our pain,
and i tried to ignore it but it’s sticking in my throat,
and it hurts my heart
and i want to call you and tell you i love you,
i miss you,
please tell me your stories, please don’t go yet,
i want to hug you and smell your hair, you were almost a head shorter than i,
i haven’t mourned you yet, i don’t want to mourn you yet,
i want to come over after work like i promised i’d do so many times,
i always found more important things to do, homework to complete, workouts to strengthen me as you got weaker.
Sit, stay a while. I should’ve stayed with you a while.