On the Subject of Time

by Morgan Venezia

Over the past few years, I’ve become a very anxious person. It wasn’t always like this & I can’t think of a major event that precipitated the change, but it is what it is. Going to a place I’ve never been before (like a new yoga studio) by myself makes me anxious. Talking on the phone makes me anxious. I spent the days leading up to my birthday spiraling in & out of extreme anxiety because I didn’t want all of the attention that a birthday elicits. Watching television or reading sometimes makes me anxious because I feel like I’m not doing enough or accomplishing enough.

On some level, I feel like my anxiety has to do with my perception of time & my narrative checkpoints (where I’m at in my life vs. where I’m “supposed” to be at in my life). I’m 24 years old, I’ve been out of college for over 2 years, I’ve been married for almost 2 years & I’m unemployed & childless. Family wonders when I’m going to have a baby. Former classmates can’t believe I’m not working. Society scoffs at me for doing yoga & going on walks & taking photos instead of going to a 9 – 5 every day.

Lately I’ve felt the strength in Time’s hands & her surprisingly warm fingertips. One hand on my shoulder, pulling, & one in the center of my back, pushing. My mind wants to wallow over the days when I had “potential,” when I wanted to move to L.A. & be a star. My heart wants to jump forward, lusting over a future in which I have it all figured out & am unerringly happy.

& so, decisively stuck in the present, I am anxious. I am unfocused. I am unhappy. I am adrift.

But with self-awareness comes change & with time comes resolve. I’m lucky to live at a time in history when it’s okay to admit weakness. Although I am adrift, I am alive & I am hopeful & I am okay. Time is on my side.

Photo taken by Morgan Venezia, Copyright 2017.

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