I threw up after most of my meals when I was young, because I had a boyfriend who would say to me, “Really? you’re going to eat THAT?” in the cafeteria. I lost friends after he said they only talked to me because I look like a slut. I walked with my head down because he taught me that I wasn’t likable to anyone else. I became introverted because he told me no one else wanted me around.
But he loved me, and that’s what mattered.
Even long after that relationship ended, I isolated myself, because after years of being made to believe I wasn’t worthy of friends or love, I thought who I was wasn’t good enough.
This is something that takes years to unlearn and, to be frank, nearly 10 years later I’m still learning.
I do not blame my shitty first love for my self esteem issues, I mean of course he helped, but I’m the one who believed him. I’m the one who took what he said as the truth. It was my choice to listen, and I believed every word.
And THAT is not okay.
I’ll be the first to admit I am in no way a pro when it comes to self love and positivity. I try my best to be, but after all, I am only human. I have good days and I have bad days. Days where I look in the mirror after just waking up with crazy bed head, bags under my eyes and think, “hey, look at that, I’m beautiful”. Nights where I love my body; love the curves of my hips and the freckles that cover every inch of me. Days where I feel so in touch with myself that I want to scream it for the whole world to hear.
Then there are days where I stand in front of the mirror naked, clutching the rolls of my stomach wishing I could cut them off, standing on my tiptoes to see what how much better I would look if I was just a few inches taller, testing out hairstyles to see which ones hide the way my ears stick out.
I have days where I am so crippled with fear of what other people might be thinking or saying about me that I can hardly breathe –
and that is not okay.
Maybe that’s what self love is. Realizing when a certain feeling, or thought, or situation…isn’t okay. It’s turning away from the mirror when you’re looking at all the things you wish you could change, because you deserve better. It’s removing yourself from the negativity, whether it be from your own mouth or the mouth of someone else. Its an obvious yet subtle flip in perspective. It’s shutting up with all the excuses and making a real change. Hate your job? Then fucking quit. Don’t get along with your roommate? Get the hell out. Don’t want to make such drastic changes, then stop fucking complaining about it. If you want to spend your days throwing a pity party for yourself, be my guest, just don’t expect to have a full table.
There is something to be grateful for every. single. day. Whether it be as simple as your morning cup of coffee, or as awesome as finding $20 on the sidewalk– make a conscious effort to look for it every. single. day.
Compliment yourself, because you are pretty damn incredible. You are one of a kind, there never was and never will be another just like you. Why would you spend your time wanting to change that?
After over decade of talking down to myself, I am finally realizing that who I am isn’t “good enough”. Who I am is fucking amazing. Who are you?