Identity

by Anon

I know I’m not the only one that went through this at some point in life: Depression. Depression is dark, powerful, and sometimes inescapable. It’s an epidemic among us that most of us keep silent because we’re afraid to show our peers that we’re weak and vulnerable. After months of whirlwind emotion, a total loss of who I am, and the feeling of completely alone, it became dangerously toxic. I truly thought it would never end, wondered if this is why people decide to commit the unspeakable. Talking about emotion was never my forte; my ego was so big that I thought nothing was going to take me down.

I read online that people use analogies to describe depression, but one will never know the true power until it controls you. I was f*cking miserable. I faked smiles wishing they were real. I shut myself away from people who care about me because I didn’t want to burden them. I pretended everything was normal, and no one knew a damn thing. It went on for five months until I couldn’t bottle it in anymore; it was more painful than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. One night, I broke down and told my  friend everything. In the following months, we spent hours on the phone, sometimes three to four times a week. Sure enough, I slowly got myself together and, for the first time in months, I felt the confidence to “live” again.

At this point, you’re probably wondering what happened to plunge me into this depression, and what I did to overcome it. I’m going to save what happened for another time, and talk about what I did to get to where I am now. Have you ever heard the song “1800-273-8255” by Logic? The song was crucial to my recovery; I’ve never felt so empowered from just a song. It made me realize that I wasn’t alone, and there are millions of people out there in the world just like me that are going through a rough patch in their journey.

Rome wasn’t built in a day; I did not get better overnight. It’s true when they say time heals everything. I started saying “Yes” to things I normally wouldn’t. Through saying yes more, I have done more, seen more, and made more friends. I am learning more about my likes and dislikes everyday. I started saying “No” more to things I didn’t want to do, while in the past I would have said yes out of guilt.

It is okay to put yourself first. Buy that jacket or that dress you’ve always wanted. Go grab a coffee with an old friend you’ve been wanting to talk to. Don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a total stranger. Get flowers for someone you love, it means the world to them. Never estimate the power of reaching out to people for help because they could change your life in a way you’ll never know. Life is short, so push the boundaries of uncertainty.

Also, believe me when I say this, no one is as happy in real life as they seem through their Instagram feed. It’s just not real. Trust your gut feeling and open yourself to what the world has to offer. I stopped asking myself “what if” because when I’m outside of my comfort zone that’s when I start to live.