Dear Chicago

by Mo David

Dear Chicago,

I have made several adult decisions based solely on convenient parking, so it should come as no surprise that I take my immediate comfort very seriously. Some might say it’s the only thing I take seriously. But I still find much of my life distinctly uncomfortable. This is surely someone else’s fault. More specifically, the city of Chicago’s. Therefore, I have compiled a list of suggestions I feel would greatly improve the area if only just for me. I address these now to whomever they may concern.

1. Regulate hobbies.

I am supportive of people enjoying hobbies. A hobby often leads one to a private location wherein they meet other people with the same proclivity and far away from me, a person with no proclivities. So I take issue not with my upstairs
neighbor’s passion for tap dancing but with his insistence on practicing at home. I suggest one of two things:

A. Establish underground tap-dancing bars across the city and encourage patrons to behave as gay men did throughout the 1970s. In secret.
B. Supply every tap-dancing citizen with foam carpeting approximately four inches thick. In fact, cover the walls and ceilings too.

2. Institute mandatory Passenger’s Education.

One would think that boarding a train does not require the kind of training usually associated with operating a motor vehicle. One would be wrong. At seven years old, or whenever the child obtains gainful employment, he or she should be enrolled in Passenger’s Ed. The course will be held weekly for six months and teach such complicated ideas as:

A. Step aside to let patrons exit the train before trying to board it.
B. If you are only one human, use only one seat.
C. Smoking on the train is unacceptable unless you share.
D. Your propensity for electronic dance music is exclusive to you and should be engaged with quietly, much like tap dancing.

3. Put the Seurat outside.

You know the one I’m talking about. Painted in 1884 and immortalized by John Hughes in 1986, this unfortunate work of art attracts tourists from all over the surrounding suburbs. They clog my museum and try to recreate the seminal scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. This is no fault of the painter or the painting but is nonetheless our current situation. Here is my solution:

A. Remove the Seurat from my museum.
B. Place it in front of The Bean where no locals will see it.
C. Let the children from Wilmette enjoy their photo-op.
D. Leave me alone in the museum indefinitely.

4. Consider moving.

I know this may sound somewhat outlandish, but don’t write me off yet. Chicago is a wonderful city that has been nestled into one of the most culturally impoverished regions of the world. I feel that locals and tourists alike would greatly appreciate more compelling landscapes and more interesting neighbors. I suggest we simply pick the city up, perhaps with a giant forklift of some kind, and place it in Connecticut. Just outside New York and near a plethora of other excellent metropolitan areas, our citizens could begin to meet new people and maybe even express an honest emotion. Alternately, we could create some sort of elevated road that connects Lake Shore Drive to the West Side Highway. But
I’m no engineer.

Warm regards, Mo David

You can connect with Mo (and see more of his work) on Instagram.