Hi. It’s been a minute since we’ve spoken. How’s it going? As good as it could be, I suppose.
I haven’t been working – yeah, no, it’s okay – I applied for unemployment and I have a few month’s worth of bill money saved up regardless. Not worrying about the financial side of things makes this a little less stressful, I suppose, and I’m definitely grateful for that. Trying to fill my days with something other than TV. I miss my friends but you know how it is. No one’s seeing too much of each another these days.
How’s my relationship? It’s wonderful, you’re so kind for asking! This one is the One, though I suppose they all felt like that at one point or another. But this one seems Onier than the others, more of a grounded and calm and loving type of Oneness. At least, it feels that way. I hope I’m not wrong, I hate being wrong. Enough about me, though, how are you?
You’ve finally figured out what you wanted to do with that project! I’m so glad to hear that, I know it was plaguing you for some time. Do I have any projects? Hmm… I suppose I could work on my art, I’ve been drawing a lot of sea turtles lately. Yes, they’re my absolute favorite. I love how from the moment they’re born they’re faced with adversity and threat of death and, yet, they still plug away toward their goal of reaching that ocean. Those tiny babies racing toward the reflection of the moon on the waves, heading for a light that means something to them, they just don’t know what. And then… then they swim and swim and swim till one day they just. Stop swimming.
What was that? Sorry, I got a bit lost in thought. I’ve been trying to do some more writing, organizing more writing collaborations and rebuilding an artistic community. People have been really into it, I’m thrilled that it excites them! Does it excite me? Oh… of course! I mean, it’s hard to get excited about anything these days, isn’t it? The same four walls, every day, nothing distracting us from the inner voices that tell us we’re missing life going by around us.
I bet sea turtles never worry about life passing them by. You know some of them can live up to 100 years? Wild.
I wonder if things will ever go back to normal, do you? I imagine that eventually they’ll make a vaccine and we’ll all get poked and return to the daily work/home/play schedule that we were about to perfect, but it’s hard to imagine jumping back into any sort of semblance of normalcy. Do you think that’s a good thing, maybe? A shaking of our routine, waking us up to the fact that things were never normal to begin with?
You’re right, I’m being a bit of a downer, aren’t I? It’s just that I have nothing to distract me from the noise inside my head anymore. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t hear voices. I just hear my thoughts, shouting at each other, sometimes not waiting for me to participate before they move onto the next conversation. I don’t have work emails and deadlines and assignments distracting me or filling my mind, leaving no room for the busyness of my thoughts. And boy, are they busy. They chatter and argue about what I’m meant to do with my life, if I should have children, if I should get a dog, wondering if the government is inventing reasons to keep us under control, and most of all wondering what the point of it all is. We do tend to take ourselves so seriously, don’t we?
I’m a bit jealous of the sea turtles, I think. They seem to have a zen understanding that everything is temporary, that movement is inevitable. In the grand scheme of things, humans haven’t been around that long, right? And look what we’ve done. Some gorgeous things, true! There’s no denying that, no need to raise your eyebrow at me. But when you think about the grand idea and scheme of existence, there’s no denying that we’re kind of experts at ruining everything. As my elementary school teacher used to say, “This is why we can’t have nice things.” Look how we’ve invented religions and rules and reasons to be horrible to a person for something as mild as the color of their skin. Who do we think we are, to treat others this way, as if we know anything about anything?
It really does get overwhelming sometimes, the feeling that I need to be doing something but not knowing what my something is. When adults used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer always varied but the core of it all was that I wanted to make people happy every day. Bring joy to other people’s lives. That was never an acceptable answer, though – I would eventually have to pick a career to end these conversations, lest their disappointment and confusion coalesce and ruin my day. Spreading joy is not a job, I am told. It certainly doesn’t pay the bills, so go pick something that will.
What will I pick? I’m not sure yet. Hey, maybe I can find something that will help me spread joy and pay my bills at the same time. Until I figure out what it is, though, I’m comforted that sea turtles exist. Life can’t be that horrible.
It was good to see you, maybe we can get together again soon. Of course, we don’t have to plan it this minute. Check your schedule and let me know when you’re available. I’m free.